jvantheterrible (jvantheterrible) wrote,

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Hump day indeed...

I feel more alone than usual today. I suppose I should know better, because of the daily exhaustion and nightly insomnia and the like. But I always thought that truly being in love meant that I wouldn't have to feel so goddamn alone anymore. I thought it meant that I'd get compliments and cards and letters and hugs...and just pride in general at being my other half - because it's how I feel.  

And then there's my guilt over feeling this loneliness, because I know how hard it is to just keep all the pieces together every day...every night...every week....every month. I feel a little like my pieces are coming apart at the seams, because I feel left out. I feel not needed. I feel not wanted. I feel like I'm just a dirty little secret that can't be found out, like a mistress or something.

I know that I shouldn't feel this way, and I know, for the millionth time that I am supposed to be the strong one. But I don't feel like the strong one. I feel like the hurt one. I feel like the lonely one. Even sitting there across the table, I feel alone. I feel frustrated because I wanted a couple of days this weekend...not just one night. I feel sad because I'm not supposed to bring my dog - he is my kid. He is non-negotiable. I've been asked to make these choices before...and I won't do it again. 

I won't because I can't. It's all my fault, because I'm the one w/all the feelings, and the one that's supposed to be feeling better and able to deal with everything. But I don't feel better. I feel a little like I'm drowning, and I know that it's my own brain and heart making me feel that way. No one else's fault but my own. 

I wish it were easier to feel like everything is alright - when there's no compliments and no texts and no going out of the way for days on end, it makes it difficult to be the strong one. 

Still in love, though. 

So there's that. 
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