I've been through a lot these last several years, as I'm sure all of YOU have gone through the wringers; home-ownership, signing said home over to my cousin and her boyfriend, buying my own home, losing a job, going back to school, getting a new job because I was in school...ups and downs and ups and downs. I know, it's life, it's what we all have to deal with. When life hands you lemons you make the fucking lemonade, and when a door closes a window opens, and all that happy horseshit.
All of that is well and good. It's easy enough to hold your head high and paste a smile on, and wait until the pain subsides and things go back to normal. And if you're REALLY lucky? A few good things happen along the way. Or more than a few, along with the bad, enough to make it seem like you really do want to wake up in the morning. It's all even MORE special when you're...ahem...bi-polar. <crickets chirping>
As of late I've gotten really adept at wanting to wake up in the morning. I met my girlfriend of the past 15 months at the place where I work, and it's ok for me to say it here because no one else I work with, aside from her, is fucking intelligent enough to communicate like this. Yay us! I met her because I had my X-Files mousepad hanging on my cubicle wall, and my Mulder/Scully/Alien action figures on my desk, and she peeked over my wall on my 3rd day there and said, "You like the X-Files? Me too...check this out," and she held up her watch. The Fossil X-Files watch w/the metal band, that came in the tube, in the oblong box. Just like mine, which I also held up and showed her, because I wear mine every day too. We've been pretty much inseparable ever since. It's just another way that the X-Files has enhanced my life in so many ways...both with the people I've met online, like amokeh and Mik and Jay and goddessmichele and everyone else I've come into contact with because of our creative natures and passions - both for this show AND for all the other things we all have in common that have brought us all together.
I've spent years amassing quite the collection of XF memorabilia. I have a Cryogenic Chair prop from Season 8, all the Sideshow Collectible dolls (though I sold Black Oil Krycek last fall to pay for Hawaii for Christmas w/my girl), watches, action figures, golf tees, promo kits, tee-shirts, hats, statues, etc., etc., etc. (Also sold my Lazarus Bowl for Hawaii...SOOO worth it - snorkeled every damn day). I take my passion for the show, and for its characters and the actors, very seriously. I have XFILES2 for my license plates...have for the past 12 years. I own every movie David Duchovny and Mitch Pileggi have ever done (no, not together, dammit...lmao - even the bad ones <snicker>.
I am half-owner of the "Skinner Sanctum" website online; my pseudonym Jvantheterrible comes up #1 on the first 5 pages of Google or any other search engine on the web. I am PROUD of my passion. Have been for years and years now. It's a part of who I am. I've always been proud of my accomplishments and my contributions to the XF community. Hell, to life in GENERAL!!!
Today, I was ridiculed for it...and by someone who has no fucking idea what it meant to me, which makes it even worse - or should I view it as not so bad?
I live in Tucson, Arizona. We have our issues here...among the higher priorities illegal aliens (SB1070 anyone?), bad job market, bad housing market, bad state tax system, and so on and so forth. Shit, just last month our Congresswoman was shot in the head point blank at a community meeting 2 miles from my house - I was too tired to go or I would've been there, along w/my Nana, who also didn't end up going. Thank God, because 6 people died and 14 others were wounded. I'm sure you've heard of this story, being that you're all readers and intelligent and such.
Last week, there was a rumor that popped up on the web...David Duchovny, Minnie Driver, Vera Farmiga, Keri Russell and Justin Kirk were all in town shooting an indie film called GOATS, written by a Tucson native who used to work with Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana (Brokeback Mountain ring any bells?), and the author (Mark Poirier) persuaded the film company (Red Crown Productions - "The Kids Are All Right" anyone??) to film here in Tucson, his hometown, in ADDITION to New Mexico, instead of ONLY New Mexico.
Last Thursday, I informed a member of the Executive team where I work that these people were in town. He got visibly excited, and said he'd had no idea, and would love to have one or more of these celebrities give voice to our non-profit company. He told me he was on it, and told me that because of my always going above and beyond, he would keep me informed if he found out any information regarding the "rumors".
I actually BELIEVED that shit.
In the meantime, I combed the web for any and all verifications of the rumors; it turns out that yes, David Duchovny was indeed in town, here, in freaking TUCSON, along with all the other actors. I set my sights on the web and didn't let it go. Unfortunately, the local newspaper's website was the only one that reported the "news", and even then it was taken off the front page a day later. There were no more updates, and I spent all fucking weekend exhaustedly panting over the 'Net, looking for where I might go and find David/Mulder/Hank....my Sideshow Exclusive w/FBI Jacket in my truck at all times, along w/my camera and a Sharpie. AND my $500 X-Files iPod. AND my XFILES2 license plates.
Every single Twitter or Facebook post was a day late. Last Friday, my other half and I spent our lunch break, no shit, TROMPING through the desert (up a cliff, rocks sliding as we made our way up and down the hill, through a wash and avoiding pricklies at every turn...turns out we were only ONE STREET AWAY...but we didn't know it then). Came back to work sweaty, adrenalin drifting, mildly disappointed but pretty sure we could find him in the next 4 days. We did manage to get photos of two trailers and a rental truck in the parking lot of a local iconic church - OMG we were sooooo fucking close!!!
The holiday weekend passed; at 2:00 PM Monday afternoon, a location was finally posted where shooting was allegedly taking place. It was a Country Club where there was a Guard House, and a multi-million dollar neighborhood behind those gates. Unfortunately, I was unable to go and act on that tip; family friends in town, family dinner, yadda yadda yadda. Tuesday afternoon, I utilized half a vacation day and drove to the Country Club. I sweet-talked the guard and he let me past...I showed him my Mulder doll, my watch, my license plates and my iPod and he asked me if I knew where I was going. HELL YES, I told him with a giant smile! (Wherever Goats is, I was THERE!!!!) He waved me in and I spent the next hour and a half cruising down the streets of the Tucson Country Club, memorizing every single multi-million dollar home, looking for any sign of a filming crew. There was...after 90 minutes and 1/4 tank of gas...nothing.
I caught back up with the Security Guard and he admitted to me that filming had completed the previous day. I shook his hand and thanked him for letting me "in", and proceeded to drive around the rest of the city looking for some sign of a film crew and its stars. No luck.
So I came into work this morning, ready to make up for my half-day of freedom; as expected, my desk was buried under a multitude of documents and things needing my immediate attention. Over the course of this morning, no less than half of my co-workers inquired about my previous days' adventure; did I get in to the Country Club? Did I find David? Where was my autograph? Where was my photo?!!!
My department was asked to have lunch w/the CEO today...so we did. It was 2 hours of being subjected to the history of my company, and videos of disabled children, and because I am an emotional bitch, I cried. I was the ONLY ONE in my department, comprised of artists who supposedly work for the betterment of our patients and such...looking for cures so children don't have to walk in braces or be wheeled around until they die at 12 or 14...I WAS THE ONLY FUCKING ONE WHO CRIED.
So...yay me? Or do I suck, and deserve the eye-rolling and snickers of my co-workers? A bunch of people who've worked there for 8+ years longer than myself and could give a fuck LESS about those same kids we're supposedly allegedly helping??!!! REALLY? FUCKING REALLY???????
And so now, here comes the clincher. Ready, fellow XF fans? Here we go. On my emotional way out of the CEO lunch meeting, I am stopped by the Executive who claims to want to "help me out". He calls me into his office, and points out the wall of framed photos I've created for him, and smiles at me. He tells me to sit down, and then proceeds to ask me if I got his email from last week, where he shared one of the filming locations with me via company email, where it was of course too late for me to follow up. I smile and tell him, honestly, nope, sorry, missed it but thank you SOOO much for your assistance! I can't tell you how much it means to me that you tried to help me, XXX.
He then proceeds to tell me, "but wait...I have the address where they are filming. It's a friend of my wife's...it's XXXX...they've been there all weekend, and I wasn't supposed to tell you but....and you can't tell ANYONE."
Really, XXX???? I can't tell ANYONE, now that shooting is wrapped and you dangled me on a fucking string all fucking weekend, and you sit here in your glass-encased OFFICE, while I sit in a fucking CUBICLE every goddamn day, 1000x more productive and creative and HUMAN than you, and you tell me...NOW...where I can go pick up David Duchvony's trash?
Thanks, pal. Thanks a whole fucking million.
You. Are. A. MOTHER. FUCKING. ASSHOLE. The fucking BANDWIDTH of which cannot EVEN be measured in a single POST.
And THEN. JUST to make it even MORE special. He fucking deigns to call me up an hour later.
"Did you find the address?"
"Did you GO there?" (No, but my other HALF did, just after she got off work, and she found all the torn tape and paper scraps and cigarette butts and empty water bottles and campfire debris and tire tracks and YES, they REALLY WERE THERE.)
"No, XXXX...they're gone." (Pause, silence, his COCK getting hard because he KNOWS I'm down a notch or 2 now...for Chrissakes...I've been in the company less than a QUARTER of the time of the rest of my department (AND his), but the half-blind and mostly-deaf CEO KNEW me at the luncheon...)
"I know...but if I find anything else out, I swear I'll tell you."
"Uh huh...have a nice evening, XXXX."
WHY DO WE PUT UP WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT???? (I know...because we need to pay our bills...but I digress...)
I don't know what else to say, save for I am so fucking disillusioned at this point by so many things that I cannot possibly make any sort of impassioned plea on behalf of my company.
My company, where the Head of PR gets away with telling a family showing up for a photo shoot that their child is "Worthless without his leg braces", since they forgot them at home.
My company, where the Head of PR has to be replaced at Telethon time and at significant expense, by some stranger because the host of said PR Department is despised by the host of the past 50 years (not to mention reviled by every other employee to boot).
I want a new job. Seriously. I want a new job where I can just be myself, and not have to answer to any of these fucked-up individuals, and where I can still do my art and be myself and not have to deal with any of the fucked-up shit that this Non-Profit craps on me.
I want a job I can do so that I don't have to look the fucker who lied to me in the face, smiling, and pretended that it didn't matter.
I know. It doesn't exist. But it doesn't stop me from wishing that it did...
I wish...I wish...I wish.