I have been kissing my Rosary and saying prayers for you to be well EVERY DAY. I got my Rosary 2 years ago when my friend Gabriel died; it was very sad, him only being 24 and dying on his birthday. He was addicted to meth...and gay...and the cutest gay boy I'd seen in quite awhile. He was Hispanic and his mother - with whom I also work - is STILL in denial about his life choices (those Mexicans are REALLY Catholic, dontchya know...). It was also the first time I'd ever actually watched anyone - let ALONE a friend - be lowered into the ground...along with my abortion from ten years ago, I can't think of anything else that could scar me more. Tragic though all these circumstances are, I kiss that damn Rosary every day now...it was blessed by the REAL Pope before he died and I hang onto that, and use it to bless those that mean the most to me. I am not a church-goer, and I am not overly religious...but I AM a spiritual being with my own relationship with "Him" and/or "Her" and I speak to That every day.
I haven't posted on my journal in a long time because RL has gotten in my way, just as it has managed to, once again, delay my writing. All that really matters to me, Mik, is that you get well. I pray for you EVERY DAY and hope that you get better - or at the very least FEEL better - and I smile after I kiss my rosary and set it back down each morning because I know that I've done as much as I can to try to heal you, just as your stories have done for me for so many years.
I thank you for remembering me in your comments, and I think of you each and every day, wishing and hoping and praying for you to get well and STAY that way, even if I can't find the time to post as often as I'd like. I love you so much, even though I've never met you, for writing such brilliant words that have managed to see me through the most difficult times of my own life...and all I can do is pray and wish for you to get - and stay - well.
If I ever DO get the chance to meet you in RL, all I want to do is just grab ahold of you and hug you close, sobbing into your shoulder, and thank you immensely for all that you've given me...faceless and practically nameless after all these years...and hope that you're well for good when I am able to do so.
I love you, Mik. I continue to wish and pray you well...and now for the rest of the story.
As for all the rest of you that might be reading (especially BrerBear)...I took a long break from "Navy", and yes, once we hooked back up it was nice to see him...though we've now spent the last four days together and I am REALLY tired of him yet again.
I wish that I could find the feelings (read LUST) inside of me to make him stay, but I cannot seem to be able to formulate any kind of lasting ANYTHING to share with him. He's perfect for me and we do, in fact, share the same fucking birthday...but I digress (and after that, do I really NEED to digress???)
I haven't had any kind of relationship at all in the past ten years that required my utmost attention. This foray into "dating" is really no different; I have no lasting feelings for him, or else I'm SURE that I would miss him after a day or two, wouldn't I??? I require someone VERY special; accepts me for the homo-erotic writer that I am...accepts me for my bi-polar disorder (which he shares but only takes his meds BECAUSE of me, which we all know is BAD)...doesn't act like a needy fifth grader aside from all the OTHER things...oh wait, Navy does...DAMN!
I am lost...love my job, hate my RL because of this guy but at the same time LOVE it because I'm a homeowner now!!! What to do...what to do...
I love you guys...thanks for being online. Paris Hilton is the biggest CUNT of all time, but if she could just join Bush's campaign, we'd have the perfect fucking platform to destroy EVERYTHING and allow anarchy to ensue - at least until Henry Rollins or some other intellect stepped up to the plate and FIXED all the FUCKED UP SHIT that is wrong with this world today.
Love you guys, peace out...