jvantheterrible (jvantheterrible) wrote,

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Cinco de WHAT-O??

Hey, ya'll. I'm feeling very mellow this evening - just read Mik's update, and I am so broken-hearted that he's still in hospital. I just want him to be ALL WELL and have ALL my friends totally healthy and able and...and...MAN life sucks sometimes. 

I tried to get Jay to add me as a friend, but I haven't heard anything yet. I am such a HUGE fan of frogdoggie and co...have been for ten years now - how sad that I can't name one RL person that has had the impact on me that my online friends have. <sigh>

Also, along with feeling quite sorry for myself...I've met someone. A very nice man who INSISTS on getting the car door, and my chair, and whatever ELSE I might need. He tells me I'm beautiful. He knows all the South Park and Beavis & Butthead and Ren & Stimpy quotes that I love and, even more frighteningly, his birthday is on the SAME FUCKING DAY as mine. Alas, though we went to see Spidey 3 this morning, AND he took me to breakfast, AND he tells me how beautiful I am...I am...a...selfish BITCH. (Hence JvantheTERRIBLE, but I digress...)

I am so used to being alone that I have forgotten how to open myself up to attention of any kind, save for kudos from my writing partners and fans because that all feels RIGHT. I haven't had anyone in my life in the last 7 years that hasn't ripped my heart out and hurt me physically along the way, thereby giving me ammunition for Sk/M fanfic (masquerading as an outlet to give hot men emotions & feelings). This man is great...12 years in the Navy, going to school for Engineering, 6'1", blonde hair and blue eyes and just as sweet as you can want...but I feel NO ATTRACTION WHATSOEVER. I like brunettes...dark hair, dark eyes...not some courteous 32-year old that acts like a 4-year old at any given time...right? RIGHT????

What do I want? What do I expect? I don't know...maybe I've resolved myself to just age gracefully with my dog and my cat and just die from lung cancer or cirrhosis or some such thing...in fact I've dreamt of it, making it all so much easier than living, than trying to live up to someone else's expectations.

In fact, you want to hear something REALLY retarded? I am so enamored with Blake Shelton that I cannot imagine myself with anyone because I like him so much...and I can't even envision myself with HIM...so what the FUCK am I supposed to do NOW??? I am going to Las Vegas to see him in July, and I will be able to hug him - yet again, thanks to my work and Warner Brothers Records...and because of my ability to "hang" with celebrities, I have lost all semblance of respect for meeting someone who might actually give a shit about me. All I want to do is hug Blake and hope for some tiny feeling of redemption because that is all that I am really looking forward to today.

And even though my personal so-called love life is up in arms, I don't even give a shit about that...all I want is for Mik to be okay and be able to post the next chapters of BDAF. My grandmother is so right on...I AM a selfish bitch. I've been alone for so long now, and abused by so many people before that I no longer give a shit about anything more than taking a breath in the morning when I wake up...IF I wake up. 

Sometimes, when I feel like I do tonight...and have written all the shit that is backed up in my head so that I come off as a total LOSER...I don't believe that I deserve to wake up...especially when awesome people like Mik have REAL problems. 

Anyway, thanks for reading my rantings this evening...I love you guys, and my prayers are ALL for Mik this night. Big Hugs, Mik...I love & miss you, and thanks to ALL of you who are here. You are my TRUE friends, even if I don't know you.
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